I am on a journey towards health and happiness. Along the journey you have to deal with things that may be inhibiting your wellness from a mental perspective. So I am going to share my thoughts on something that I have dealt with well but every once in awhile it creeps back up.
My fabulous family
I have been married for 13 years. Almost 10 years ago, we were blessed with our first child, a son. A few years later we were blessed with baby number 2, another boy. 18 months later our 3rd blessing and again a boy. At this point we thought we were done. 3 boys are loud and rowdy, they make messes and break things. However, after much debate and mind changing ( and lack of permanent measures) we were faced with the news we were expecting again. You already know the end to the story, another boy joined our life.
My heart on the matter
With every pregnancy I wished, hoped and prayed for a girl. As a woman, I wanted to know that mother-daughter bond. When my first was a boy, I handled it well because I knew we would have more. In betwen #1 & #2 boys, I had an early miscarriage. I was in the midst of finishing nursing school and about the time I had adjusted to the idea of being pregnant I lost the baby. With #2 boy i was upset. I had difficulty knowing he was a boy when i really wanted a girl. Finding out that #3 was a boy again was really, really hard. I was so disappointed. I know there are women out there who would be happy to have one baby so it's hard for me to admit but I was downright angry about the gender at times. During the time between #3 & #4, I poured out my heart to God. I prayed continually about His plan for our family. I gave up control and surrendered my heart and mind to His plan for our children, the number of them, their gender and my husband and I determined that we were done having kids. However, we were both slightly unsettled with that and continued to discuss the possibility of #4. When we found out we were expecting, my husband and I had multiple discussions about how I was going to handle finding out the gender. I continued to plea with God for my desires but continued to acknowledge His plan may be greater than my own. I still hoped for a girl but in the back of my mind he was a boy until proven otherwise. When we had proven evidence that #4 was a boy, I really just embraced it. I knew this was our last baby and I wanted to enjoy it as much as possible.
The ongoing struggle
My dream, my ideal would have been 2 boys and 2 girls. God's plan for me and my husband was a house full of boys. They are all special, unique, individuals who are deeply loved by both of their parents. We will never know the dynamic of having a girl. I have 4 versions of various traits of my husband and I in boy form but will never know what our combination would have looked like in girl form. I am happy with my boys and have come to terms with the fact that the answer to my prayer is no. The miscarriage plays a role sometimes because i find myself wondering if that baby in heaven is a girl and why couldn't she stay? More days then not I focus on the blessing of having 4 healthy, beautiful, fun boys.
People's reactions
As we walk through stores and restaurants, I notice the look on people's faces. Most of them are sympathetic and smile politely as we pass. Some people exclaim, '4 boys!' I have heard countless time, 'you have your hands full'. There is one comment though that hurts more than others, that brings all those feelings right back to the front. That one comment is,'you are young, try again' or it closely related cousin 'It's not too late to try 1 more time'. I always laugh it off and share that 4 boys is Gods plan for us and it is ok. In my head, though, i begin arguing with God about his design, questioning why I wasnt worthy enough to have a daughter for my husband and a sister for my boys. We are a single gender family and I remain the sole princess and it is ok!!
Blessed
Every once in a while, a couple who are past their child rearing years, will stop at our table look at them all endearingly and share how blessed we are. They take a moment to praise us for their behavior, even when we feel like they are acting up. They share moments and experiences from raising their own children. Those encounters make me feel blessed, happy, and fulfilled as a mom. Thank you for those moments!!
To my fellow moms of all boys: you are richly blessed
To my mom of all girls friends: you are richly blessed
To my mom friends who have a combo of boys and girls: you are richly blessed
God made us to be the perfect parent for our children and the perfect design for each of our families. As for me, I embrace it. I pray for their future wives, and my relationship with my daughter-in-laws to be. It's a big job to raise boys to become men that a dad someday will give their daughter to!
It's a hard struggle. We are thankful for our babies, but we all have our 'ideal' family in our head. I pictured 1 girl and 1 boy - that's how I grew up. I wouldn't trade my baby girl for the world, but I did have to sell my boy nursery bedding. :)
ReplyDeleteWe are 'young' enough to try again, but weighing the health risks, it is not worth it. My preeclampsia would (likely) only get worse, and because of the antibodies built up, the newborn would have worse jaundice. After a 3 day stay in peds with the last one (and the threat of transfusions), we are not planning to take that risk. If God has other plans, we will do our best.
Hugs!