Sometimes the answer is no....

I am on a journey towards health and happiness. Along the journey you have to deal with things that may be inhibiting your wellness from a mental perspective. So I am going to share my thoughts on something that I have dealt with well but every once in awhile it creeps back up.

My fabulous family
I have been married for 13 years. Almost 10 years ago, we were blessed with our first child, a son.  A few years later we were blessed with baby number 2, another boy. 18 months later  our 3rd blessing and again a boy. At this point we thought we were done. 3 boys are loud and rowdy, they make messes and break things. However, after much debate and mind changing ( and lack of permanent measures) we were faced with the news we were expecting again. You already know the end to the story, another boy joined our life.

My heart on the matter
With every pregnancy I wished, hoped and prayed for a girl. As a woman, I wanted to know that mother-daughter bond. When my first was a boy, I handled it well because I knew we would have more. In betwen #1 &  #2 boys, I had an early miscarriage. I was in the midst of finishing nursing school and about the time I had adjusted to the idea of being pregnant I lost the baby. With #2 boy i was upset. I had difficulty knowing he was a boy when i really wanted a girl.  Finding out that #3 was a boy again was really, really hard. I was so disappointed. I know there are women out there who would be happy to have one baby so it's hard for me to admit but I was downright angry about the gender at times.  During the time between #3 & #4, I poured out my heart to God. I prayed continually about His plan for our family. I gave up control and surrendered my heart and mind to His plan for our children, the number of them, their gender and my husband and I determined that we were done having kids. However, we were both slightly unsettled with that and continued to discuss the possibility of #4. When we found out we were expecting, my husband and I had multiple discussions about how I was going to handle finding out the gender. I continued to plea with God for my desires but continued to acknowledge His plan may be greater than my own. I still hoped for a girl but in the back of my mind he was a boy until proven otherwise. When we had proven evidence that #4 was a boy, I really just embraced it. I knew this was our last baby and I wanted to enjoy it as much as possible.

The ongoing struggle
My dream, my ideal would have been 2 boys and 2 girls. God's plan for me and my husband was a house full of boys. They are all special, unique, individuals who are deeply loved by both of their parents. We will never know the dynamic of having a girl. I have 4 versions of various traits of my husband and I in boy form but will never know what our combination would have looked like in girl form. I am happy with my boys and have come to terms with the fact that the answer to my prayer is no. The miscarriage plays a role sometimes because i find myself wondering if that baby in heaven is a girl and why couldn't she stay?  More days then not I focus on the blessing of having 4 healthy, beautiful, fun boys.

People's reactions
As we walk through stores and restaurants, I notice the look on people's faces. Most of them are sympathetic and smile politely as we pass. Some people exclaim, '4 boys!' I have heard countless time, 'you have your hands full'.  There is one comment though that hurts more than others, that brings all those feelings right back to the front. That one comment is,'you are young, try again' or it closely related cousin 'It's not too late to try 1 more time'.  I always laugh it off and share that 4 boys is Gods plan for us and it is ok. In my head, though, i begin arguing with God about his design, questioning why I wasnt worthy enough to have a daughter for my husband and a sister for my boys. We are a single gender family and I remain the sole princess and it is ok!!

Blessed
Every once in a while, a couple who are past their child rearing years, will stop at our table look at them all endearingly and share how blessed we are. They take a moment to praise us for their behavior, even when we feel like they are acting up. They share moments and experiences from raising their own children. Those encounters make me feel blessed, happy, and fulfilled as a mom. Thank you for those moments!!


To my fellow moms of all boys: you are richly blessed
To my mom of all girls friends: you are richly blessed
To my mom friends who have a combo of boys and girls: you are richly blessed

God made us to be the perfect parent for our children and the perfect design for each of our families. As for me, I embrace it. I pray for their future wives, and my relationship with my daughter-in-laws to be.  It's a big job to raise boys to become men that a dad someday will give their daughter to!

A matter of perception...

It's a matter of perception..... and sometimes we need a new angle....

I know lots of girls that I would consider healthy, thin and beautiful. I know that they look at themselves and think they are fat or heavy or notice all their imperfections. The stress our society puts on size and shape is ridiculous. Most of us will never obtain the images we see in magazines or tv, so really we should stop trying to achieve that. Women need to build each other up more and tear down less. We need to help each other recognize our own beauty inside and out.

Learn to love yourself.
That's what i am working on. I continue to see changes in my body. For the first time in forever my clothes don't fit cause they are too big not too small. My face is thining and i am begining to feel pretty again.I pulled out one of my senior pictures this week. This is the image I am striving for on this journey to health and wellness. I look back at this picture and think, why couldn't I see then what I can clearly see now???  Teens hear me... No one in high school is perfect. Everyone has flaws and insecurities, learn to love yourself, be confident in who you are becoming. I wish I could have done that then, but I am working on it now. My hope is to raise my boys to look at girls from the inside out. To be friends with girls before dating them. To look for their character traits and not just the outward appearance.

Heavy girl body with a skinny girl mindset...

As I keep seeing all these great changes from being consistent with My Pink Drink, some improvements in food choices and increasing activity I can genuinely say I feel better.  My clothes fit better and people around me are noticing changes. That feels good!!  Now I find myself walking with my head a little higher and my shoulder a little straighter. I am gaining self confidence because I have changed my view, my perception. I am down nearly 2 sizes in clothes and I am walking around struting my 'skinny' self. Skinny not by society standards but by my own. Even my husband is using the skinny word to describe me, and it feels good. So don't argue with me!! I am getting skinny and i know it!! :)

I am Beautiful. I am loved. I am strong. I am smart.

I am feeling thiner, healthier and happier.I am in charge of my happiness, no one else.

Winning the battle....

Wow! A lot has changed in only a month! A month ago today i started a journey, a quest, a personal mission to be my best me. I made a choice to seek health through knowledge, research and available tools. So what's different????

My choices....
I have control now over what I put in my body. I am no longer driven by cravings for sugar and soda thanks to my Pink Drink. I am able to bake cookies for my sweet nephew and not eat them all. I can cut a piece of cake in half and still feel like I participate in celebrations. I can walk by cupcakes all daylong and not stop and take one.  I haven't been to a vending machine in 4 weeks! If you know me, really know me, you know how remarkable these statements are!

My Portions...
Not only can I say no to sweets, I can push a plate of food away when I am full. No more mindless eating just because it's there. I eat enough. I was recently at a cookout. The kind where the food is awesome cause everyone brings their best or favorite dish and it's available all day. I got one plate of food. I had a small dessert. Enough and only enough! For those of you who don't struggle with food it maybe hard to understand but it actually feels good NOT to clean my plate!!!

My tastes....
Since high school I have been a lover of the Golden Arches. I mean breakfast, lunch and dinner, I could go there multiple times in a day for multiple days in a row and NEVER tire of it. My most recent attempt to partake of the Golden Arches left me feeling unfulfilled! They still have the best coke in town but I no longer crave the food. Also, I am becoming more concious of the ingredients on food labels. I am trying to choose things without high fructose corn syrup, cause I think it makes my kids crazy.  I am trying to pick things as close to natural as possible. There are of course some exceptions because let's face it, there are a few things out there that are good even if they aren't the best for you!!! Also, I am trying to make my own, homemade versions of things like bread and granola. It's rewarding for me to know what all was used to make the food I am feeding my family.

I Give myself grace....
In the past, if I ate poorly while trying to diet or quit excersing for a day or two, I would call myself a failure and give up. I would let all the negative things ever said to me take over my head and wallow in self pity about how I am always going to be fat!  Well, no more my friends! I started strong with the excersing. Then I didn't feel well, then life stuff got in the way but I am still moving more than i was before and maybe not quite where i want to be but that's why this is journey. I praise myself for small accomplishments. I focus on the good and positive. I acknowledge my mistake and move on.

I can do this! I will do this! I will find myself and live my best life. I will be and give my best to my husband, my kids, my God, my friends and family and my work. Your support encourages me, thank you! Those who are seeing me in person and can see the changes, thank you for the praises! That gives me motivation to push on. I can't believe how far I have come in 1 month, I can't wait to see what the 6 month mark and 1 year mark look like. For now, it is one day a time continuing to win battle after battle...then maybe, just maybe I can win the war!