Reflections

When I think about losing weight, I become overwhelmed.  Then my mind wanders and I ask myself the question.. How did I get here??? I mean I have always been a "bigger" girl but how did it get out of control?? I think it is worthwhile to review those moments that helped create the voice in our heads, positive and negative, that have shaped who we are and how we think of ourselves.
For me the begining of those moments was in fourth grade. I got my hair cut short and conviced my mom not to make me wear a dress on the first day of school. I was starting at a new school that year, I didn't really know anyone yet. There was a boy in my class named Brandon...and my name is Brandie... and since my hair was short (boy cut short) she was constantly calling me Brandon. Silly, I know but it seemed to me I must not be pretty if she couldn't tell I was a girl and not a boy. Now as a grown up, who mixes her kids names up all the time, I realize it was just a mix up..but it still made its mark.  Later that same year a few girls got together and decided to pull a prank on me for Valentine's Day.  For a week they left little gifts and notes with clues to who my secret admirer was. I was convinced it was a boy I was crushing on only to discover at the end of the week it was a group of girls who had deliberately chosen clues about themselves to make it look like it was my crush.  I was devestated and again a mark of low self worth was left.
Junior high was full of moments that left me feeling ugly and lacking in confidence but i had a core group of friends who supported me. I took on sort of the goodie goodie wallflower persona.  I got involved in band and choir. Junior high was also the first time that food wasn't chosen for you for lunch.  I learned pretty quickly what ala cart items i could get and still have some money left to get candy at the concession stand after school. Let the poor food choices begin!!  In addition to poor food choices, I wasn't exactly an active kid. I rode my bike some, i played softball until i aged out of the church league and failed to make the jr high team but for the most part I studied and read books. By the time i got to highschool I was a size 14. During high school, I was in marching band, which kept me active enough to not let my food choices catch up with me. My high school had block schedule which meant I was in class for an hour and a half.  I began having trouble staying awake ( I wouldn't discover until after I was 30 that this was because I have Narcolepsy). So of course I had snacks and soda in class to keep me going. I was good at a lot of things and got good grades but never felt like I was great at anything. I never really developed good self confidence. I had a few boyfriends and those also left marks of poor self worth and created my eating for comfort and to feel better problem!
In college, I decided to redefine myself. I went far enough away from home that no one would know me and I could reinvent myself. I continued, though, to not eat well..fast food, junk food and of course soda! During this time I met the man who would become my husband. He has always and will always love me no matter what. God truly blessed me with him and his love!!
Between freshmen 15, poor choices in food, eating for comfort due to lack of confidence and poor self worth, marriage, 4 babies, 2 degrees requiring long classes and late nights of studying (read junk food eating and soda drinking) and a lifetyle that doesn't include excersize....its pretty clear how I got here... so the next question is.... What am I going to do about it?